i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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