Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My day in three words: secret purse cake
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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