I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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