Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
