she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
