Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
