Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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