I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
