Will you blow on my dice?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
