I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
