Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just puked most of my soul out..
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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