she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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