cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
