I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
