Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
