how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
