and you said cock pushups were impossible
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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