the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
