i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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