Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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