if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I need to sanitize my soul.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
