A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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