Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
