I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
