we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
