Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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