Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
