So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
