why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
