Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
