I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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