I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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