Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
