Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
