i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
