found the other keg... it's in the tree
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
