What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
