Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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