Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
