i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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