Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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