I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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