These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
