Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
