I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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