awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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