last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
