I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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