"it" just moved
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
