"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
