I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's rum buckets o'clock
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
